30-some reflections

I turned 30 on November 4^th here in Port-au-Prince. It really wasn’t that big of a deal – it was positively overshadowed by the US electoral frenzy. I’ve basically been saying that I was already 30 for the last year - so I just finally feel like I’m being honest.

The most official/near-the-date celebration was put together by my lovely co-workers at the clinic on Nov 5 (they tried to do it on the day but we were so busy that the cake sat uneaten until the next day) - here are a few photos of the brief but very sweet fete (party).

I did make another attempt to celebrate the weekend before by inviting some people over for cake and wine with hopes of then going to a concert by a local band I really like. That ended up turning into a bit of a Bridget Jones style self pity party when effectively no one actually showed up and I was left there sitting alone, listening to Feist, drinking white wine, looking at the uneaten cake and then crying to my parents on the phone.

(I have to make the disclaimer that several people RSVPed that they would have liked to but just could not come; one other friend spent the entire morning and afternoon with me leading up to the attempted party which was really great; my two neighbors stopped by a little after the intended party start time and helped me drink the bottle of wine and eat the cake; and another friend ended up taking me out to a different club than the concert I was hoping for. Two days later at an election party some of the same people who didn’t show up for the weekend party bought me a cake and sang. I was not totally abandoned!)

Three weeks on I still feel a need to mark this 30^th year somehow on this blog and so for lack of other means at the moment, I’ll present 30 statements/ thoughts/ reflections/ confessions/ ideas/ hopes related to my life so far and my life to come (si bondye vle).

I’m actually trying to stay committed to not over-thinking/over-editing this list (hence rambling/random nature). I am also committed to not putting anything up here that will put my job prospects into jeopardy when this is potentially rediscovered in cyberspace even after I have attempted to take it down. If you want details or to know what’s missing, just ask me in person! If you see something here that would make you not want to hire me, let me know.

So here it goes – this is probably more for me than any of you so don’t feel like you have to stick through this entire list. It’s probably better than you don’t….

1. I really really love spicy food. 10 years ago – not so much. Siracha sauce is the secret ingredient in almost everything I cook (shhh). Don’t worry though, if I ever invite you to dinner and I don’t know whether you also like spicy food, I will put it on the side

2. I wanted to pierce my nose after college but I didn’t do it because I was going to work with conservative church-related people in East Africa. Now I realize no one would have really cared that much if I had done it. I don’t want to pierce my nose anymore but I do still want a tattoo. I've already picked out a design that I think I could live with for the next 50 years or so. Stay tuned…

3. If I wasn’t who I am right now - working in public health in contexts like Haiti, I’d probably aspire to be this person or this person or this person. Maybe even this person. I think I see a pattern here.

4. I used to feel that my relative maturity was a huge part of my identity. I loved it when people said “you’re only 23 and you are doing/thinking/saying x, y, z” Now that maturity is a bit more the expectation, I can see how immature I was/am/will likely continue to be. Hopefully there is still a lifetime of character formation yet to come.

5. I am a procrastinator. I’ve always known this. I used to want to change it….but always put off trying. Now I can’t decide whether it is worth changing. Let’s face it - I kind of like it. Plus now I have blogging, the perfect enabler for it.

6. Ten years ago, I would have said my late 20’s would be defined by falling in love and getting married somewhere between 26-28 and having a baby at 30. Well, that has not happened. I’m somehow very disappointed and yet also very grateful – a bit more preoccupied than I want to be but trying to keep it overall hopeful about what is yet to come.

7. I have had some absolutely amazing mentors over the last 10 years. Women (and some men) from all corners of the world. Some more established; some from a distance. I wish I was better about maintaining those precious connections now. I wish I were a better listener then. Thank you.

8. I am thankful for the “professional path” I’ve traveled so far. I love that I have arrived at the field of nutrition – an area of focus which I really think I will be happy to dedicate a lifetime of work to. That said, over the last 8.5 years, I still don’t feel like I’ve found a work rhythm that I truly enjoy on a day-to-day basis. I actually often get bored – not because I don’t have enough I should do at each job each day but rather I can’t change up things enough to satisfy me. I love to write but I have my limits. I love to think but sometimes I just want to do. I want to know what it’s like to be a “front line worker”. I love being with people. I love talking to moms. My public health-related focus so far doesn’t really enable that. I think I know that the best thing to do is to continue in my current path – to spend my 30’s deepening my knowledge of nutrition, working on ways to address real world nutritional problems (rather than book/classroom-level) and developing my skills as a teacher. But part of me can’t stop thinking about becoming a pediatrician. I’d probably love the ends but the means makes me want to throw up….

9. In the last 5 years I think I finally started to understand and truly appreciate a wide range of arts and artists. I honestly don’t think I had ever really experienced the depth of feelings needed to get it. I've come a long way fast…

10. I have never wanted to go into outer space and I don’t think I ever will. I also am not so into the idea of scuba diving - mostly because I think the pressure would hurt my ears too much - and because 25+ years after seeing Jaws I am still afraid of sharks.

11. The 3 places I’ve been to that I would most like to go back to are the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mozambique and Ireland.

12. The places I still want to go? Well, quite a lot. But current top places are Southeast Asia (Cambodia, Laos, Viet Nam), Paris, India, Ethiopia and basically everywhere featured in the second half of my favorite James Bond movie, Casino Royale.

13. I read way too fast to actually remember most any of it. With novels, I usually read too fast to even remember the general story line afterwards. It’s all about being entertained/ distracted in the moment.

14. I definitely regret not taking more philosophy, literature or theology in college. I honestly think I avoided them because I was afraid of failure. Now I am afraid of not being able to ask good questions…which is probably exactly what those fields would have taught me.

15. I am truly a child of the suburbs. Before college the longest road trip I had ever taken was something like the 6 hour drive to camp (which was overnight) and then the 3-4 hour drive to Springfield, IL. Because of my dad’s business travels, we always flew places on his free frequent flyer miles rather than drive. Those few drives felt like forever. Before college, my only trips out of USA were for family vacations to Canada, Mexico and Costa Rica. Before college, I had only been tent camping once – and that was at a Yogi Bear camp ground in Indiana with my high school friends. We were the only tents in a sea of RVs.

16. I’m a bit stupidly prideful about the fact that I’ve never gone on any group travel that involved wearing matching t-shirts and proselytizing. I am definitely embarrassed of my Evangelical identity when I see such groups coming down on flights to Haiti. I know that I am being judgmental – and I expect that I will even have to take it back one day when I finally put on a matching t-shirt myself.

17. I fear that my interest in cookbooks borderlines on obsession. I acquire something like 5 per year – even though I hardly ever cook - especially not in Haiti. I love to read them, look at pictures, think about cooking, I already know I am going to be cursing them every time it comes time to move again …

18. I don’t think I’ll ever have hair longer than chin-length again. I have finally fully embraced the fact that I didn’t get the genes for the thick dark wavy Heidkamp hair.

19. After being secretly proud of the fact that I hadn’t seen any yet, in March I realized it was just poor lighting that had kept me from discovering my grey hair before then. I have a lot.

20. I really like my name – Rebecca Anne. (although I do think the Rebekah spelling is more interesting) After switching from Becky to Rebecca when I went to college, I still feel like I have a bit of a new and improved identity…not to offend or scare any of you who liked Becky.

21. I’ve realized that I am such an idealist / perfectionist / thinker type that I often am satisfied by just knowing about / thinking through something rather than ever acting upon or experiencing it. That’s not how you change the world.

22. I don’t think I’ll ever be anyone’s maid of honor;. That used to really bother me. It really doesn’t anymore. I’m still hopeful to get to be a godmother….although I’m not sure I’m ready yet.

23. Even after a Wheaton College education, I still couldn’t tell you all the book of the Bible in order. That disappoints me. I know it’s not essential but I feel like it’s testimony to my ever-since-childhood tendency to allow my perfectionism lead me to quit trying on my own accord well before I could potentially fail while still trying… This is much deeper than knowing a list of books…but this not the time to go there….

24. I wish I had a green thumb. I would love to be one of those hipster urban organic farmer types….but the reality is I can’t even keep a house plant alive and I really don’t like manual labor all that much.

25. I wish a were a pet person….but the reality is that with the exception of a few lonely evenings when I think it would be nice to have a feline or canine companion, I think that they are way too much money and work and hassle.

26. I hope to be part of a community improv comedy troop one day and to learn how to use photoshop and other graphic design software. I’d like to join a non-fiction writers workshop and maybe learn how to give real manicures and pedicures. I don’t ever want to write a novel.

27. I don’t think I’m as nice as I used to be. At least I know that I don’t care as much about what other think of me as I did before. I know that’s natural and overall I’m thankful….but I’m a little afraid of it too.

28. I totally change the way I speak depending on who I am talking to.... without thinking about it. I actually thing it’s kind of annoying. Over the summer, I was in a store in Chicago and asked the woman working there whether or not all of the shirts were OUT.. She immediately asked if I was Canadian. I felt kind of stupid saying that I was from Chicago but that I hang out with lots of Canadians in Haiti…

29. I still have an aversion to churros (fried dough sticks) after having a bad one in a school lunch in Palatine, IL back in 3^rd grade or so that made me want to throw up. I honestly can’t think of any other food that I totally dislike except this corn drink that one of the family members I lived with in Honduras made - corn as a beverage just doesn’t work for me

30. My worldview has shifted to interpreting most of what I see through a structural/ ecological/ historical lens. I really have come to embrace the idea that we are mostly products of our environments - with a bit of genetics, volition and God's grace thrown in. I am privileged by little to no act or merit of my own. If I were in the shoes of the mothers and children I work with, I would be no better - and likely much worse - physically off then many of them are. I am privileged because of where, when and to whom I was born. Part of my vocation is to help be a small part of bringing about structural / ecological /environmental change that makes such privilege a little less privileged and a little more about honoring each and every person's life, rights and value.