on livin' patiently in Green Acres

I am coming to the end of my first full weekend in Ithaca. It's been harder than I expected to settle back into this funky little college-town community.

I can’t say that I have ever gotten into living in Ithaca the way that I expected to when I first moved here to start grad school. As a relatively-outdoorsy/into the arts/ foodie/ academic person with some distinct granola tendencies (e.g. continual ownership of Birkenstocks since my freshman year of high school) - who also grew up with Chicago winters - I thought I would totally fall in love with Ithaca. I have not. There are many moments and even entire days when I really really really like it here...but it’s definitely not love. (Nothing like my love of Charm City!)

Granted, people say that the key is to spend a summer here when the weather is perfect, the undergrads are gone and there is time to really enjoy/explore the beautiful landscapes. But I’ve always been in Haiti during my summers and have yet to experience a wine tour or sailing on/swimming in/biking around Cayuga Lake. Maybe that would push me over to the pro-side.... but I kind of doubt it.

Lately, I’ve spent more time than I care to admit making lists of reasons why I’m justified to feel discontent in my present situation. I don’t think that Ithaca is a good fit for this stage in my life – it’s a great town for college kids / a great town to raise kids / a great town for individuals who want to live life their own way without anyone bothering them about it...But those people aren’t me.....I’ve thought of a dozen different plans for how to spend as much time in the coming year as possible outside of Ithaca.

My negative thought cycle was disrupted a bit when I read the blog of some friends from undergrad who very recently lost their 1-month old son to a congenital heart condition. In their heart-wrenchingly honest posts, they share of their desire to live fully in these days of grief and to not hide from what they are meant to feel/experience /learn. While I would never dream to compare the shallowness of my discontent with the depth of their grief, it certainly spoke to me.

The authors of Compassion: A reflection on the Christian life talk about “the discipline of patience” as “entering actively into the thick of life.” This active patience “requires us to go beyond the choice between fleeing and fighting. It is the third and most difficult way....Patience involves staying with it, living though, listening carefully to what presents itself to us here and now..... Essentially impatience is to experience the moment as empty, useless and meaningless. It is wanting to escape from the here and now as soon as possible.”

I read those exact same words during a low point in Haiti – when I wanted to escape from the crazy activity around me, when there seemed to be too much pain/suffering happening all the time, when I couldn’t find any space to be alone. Now I am re-reading them at the start of a season when I can’t seem to make enough stuff happen in a day – when I can go an entire day without seeing someone I know, when all I have to do is sit behind a screen, think and type, but when I really do have freedom to do what I want when I want. My struggle to be actively patient in the absence of busyness/chaos/distraction feels like an entirely new challenge but is actually rooted in some of the same deeper issues as my struggles in Haiti.

Last Saturday, I was walking down a tree-lined path to the university’s apple orchard - past silos, barns and a guinea foul farm - when it dawned on me that this might be the only season in my life that I will spend in a place like this – where my daily commute takes me through an arboretum and a wildflower garden, where I live in a trailer park across from a farm stand with fresh local produce, where there are hiking paths and waterfalls in every direction. I started to list all the things I want to experience before I leave Ithaca...and then unfortunately gave in to humming the theme song from Green Acres for the rest of my walk back from the orchard.

To help keep me patient and focused on the present, I’ve started taking photos of uniquely Ithacan scenes during my walks to/from campus - we will see how long I keep it up. One of these days I’ll upload them for you to see. Until then, just know that you can keep Manhattan and give me that countryside!