marathon mind games

I've come to realize that the hardest part of my daily life in Haiti is the fact that I am living it inside my own head. It's a daily fight for me to keep my thinking positive - about why I am here and what i am doing. Mental struggles over motivation, productivity and output quality are nearly universal amongst PhD candidates. There is an entire comic strip series "PhD: piled higher and deeper" dedicated to the quirky mental and social worlds of graduate-level academics.

For a thousand professional reasons this season in Haiti is an amazing opportunity. I know that the work matters. I work for some incredible Haitian mentors and with a great team of co-workers. I have a tremendous amount of autonomy in directing the work and am gaining a lot of managerial experience (a long term plus/short term minus as it's not my favorite thing). If I am faithful on my end, this experience could prepare me for some exciting opportunities to come.

All of this comes hand in hand with lots of expectations (my own and those I assume others have for me and this project). Expectations are really hard to have in a place like Haiti where so much feels totally out of your control. Work expectations are at an all time high right now. We are (hopefully) only a few weeks away from finally starting the big intervention. I have piles and piles and piles of work to do in these weeks - and am keenly aware that my work productivity is the limiting factor to when the entire project actually gets started.

I usually thrive on such pressure - enjoying the adrenaline rush that comes with finally focusing and producing - but this Phd thing is much more of a marathon than the sprints to a deadline that I am used to. These days I just can't seem to find a pace that feels like progress.